yapping starting to live

Mar 15, 2024

intro

after two decades, i’m finally starting to live my own life. its a huge step with tiny increments inside. im starting to do what i want, go where i want, and eat what i want. for you it might be normal to go to an event out of interest, go to the park to take in your favorite weather, or going out of impulse to satisfy a craving. for me, i used to always control, set prerequisites, and limit myself from doing so. recently, i took action to learn how to unlearn. if you’re a nerd, i literally finetuned my own model.

body

let’s skim through my thought process and explain my solution. just like a muscle, social skills and experience get deteriorated the more you don’t train and use them. post/during-covid, my social muscle turned into SpongeBob’s arm and i never got it back to it’s exact state. the more i tried to go back to the peak, the more i drilled into rock bottom. at rock bottom with spongebob arms, it’s very hard get over the hump with brute force by going sisyphus. what’s needed are the correct tools, mindset, and direction and with that getting back up is easy.

when you fall off a mountain, it’s extremely wrenching, the ego to climb back up is completely normal and normalized, but extremely demoralizing, toxic, and static. as you climb up, you’ll see the same obstacles, the same trees, and the same animals. you already know how to overcome the obstacles, know what fruits fall off from the tree, and how to navigate around the dangerous animals. in the case where you do reach the top but fall down again, what then?

thinking of what to do from the bottom might be hard with a lot of emotions clogging up. once the fog cleared for me, i was able to clearly pick out the correct tools for the climb. i wanted to climb at a different location and i packed some snacks and water to prepare for the long journey of learning how to do the same things differently.

current journey

i chose a random mountain. i don’t know what’s up this mountain, but it looked pretty from afar so it interested me. for now i see a lot of libraries on it, it’s too steep to see what else there is, but the highest peak i see right now is nvidia gtc in san jose! i’ve ate some new food on the way that i’ve been craving and ive been using a new social skill chip that has an improved algo and higher bandwidth with my neural link. it operates like this in a “be for real” connotation before every chooman interaction:

1. what will the interaction be
2. what will they think of the user
3. what are the consequences of the interaction
4. how will the user feel afterwards
5. what else can the user manage to advance now or do in the future?
6. activate the accomplishment neuron

for example, if i’m getting coffee i’m in the car:

1. “probably a hi, hello and then order my drink”
2. “just some choom going about their day”
3. “nothing really other than they get paid, i get tasty drink”
4. “probably anxious, but expected”
5. “maybe i’ll say how are you, or ask what’s popular and try something new, or ask what do they like and learn a little about them”
6. “lfg”

conclusion

going where i can, dividing the problem into pieces, and having a plan is slowly increasing my social muscle to get out of rock bottom while providing more positive data points of going outside and interacting with other people which inherently decreases my anxiety. knowing myself on how i like to control my life, set prerequisites, and limit myself, i kept the same vibe but changed it. im now controlling my life by changing the pre-requisites to be more explorative. for example, if i want to go to nvidia gtc and come out fine, i need to go out more and explore my lower-risk interests such as libraries and food places. i’m also limiting myself emotionally and mentally to think in that algorithm to permanently to rewire my brain.

thats it, life is so free and gz.

p.s. being introspective after a cyberpunk table top session that ended at 4am and waking up at 8am with no caffeine or work to do is so preem.