Jul 22, 2024
irlits kinda crazy how i have 1k oomfies following me. it’s not really about the goal of reaching it; it’s just that past me could never imagine. even if it did happen back then, i wouldve been scared to interact with or tweet to that amount of people. i used to be so frightened being perceived by people, knowing who, and how i am.
nowadays, i dont really care anymore, just a tiny bit. it took me so long to get the over these humps, but as time went by each hump got smaller and smaller. im at the point where i’m happy to share my story; i can finally see the sun over the hill.
back in my day, i used to live on the internet (still do). i would hop on roblox to roleplay being in a high tech military after school, play minecraft and s3 league of legends while on a skype call with people thousands of miles away that i would never see irl, and spend hours typing to random people in twitch chat. i felt safe online.
then came this one anime mmorpg called mabinogi that i played religiously. whenever someone would come up to talk to me ingame, i would pretend to be afk until they’d walk away. i’d even log off or change servers to avoid them lol. there was something about that game’s freedom of expression, personalization, and open social community that scared me. now that i think about it, this was my first signal of my growing social anxiety.
10 years later, and my social anxiety grew to be a raid boss. whenever i took a stroll in the park, it was hard for me to look people in the eye that were walking past. when i attempted to, i would have anxiety attacks; i couldn’t breathe, i was sweating out of my mind, and i felt like i was going to have a heart attack lol.
to counteract, i cut off all forms of caffeine as i knew it’d increase my anxiety and i would even avoid humans irl. if i was walking on the street and saw my neighbor doing something outside, i would cross the street. if it was unavoidable, i would pretend as if they didn’t exist, but i would still feel super anxious afterwards. what was wrong?
at that time, i didn’t really know or understand. i did everything i could to avoid the problem, but i never really faced it. i didn’t really care about my anxiety until i thought about my future. when im older, i see myself living a stereotypical life: a wife that loves me, a good paying job, and a couple of hopefully good kids. it raised the question of “how do i achieve all of this if i cant even look people in the eye?”
how would i find a girlfriend if i was too scared to talk to people, especially women (unironically. it’s really funny because my closest friends are all women)? how am i going to get a job through an interview if it’s hard for me to talk to cashiers. how would i raise good kids if they have a dad that didn’t understand the world, or can’t even show the world to them thanks to inexperience of life due to the shackles of anxiety?
at that point, i started to challenge myself. i started to take walks at the park; i would dress up in outfits that i’d keep in the closet and walk looking straight instead of staring at the floor. i would even look up to look at the trees, just anything that would let me see people.
i started to go to coffee shops and say “hi, how are you” instead of blurting out my order. sometimes i’d ask what they’d recommend, stir some ez conversations with clear and simple interactions that are spammable.
later on, i started to go to places i’ve never been, the infamous duc huong on mckee in san jose. i remember standing outside in a line, in an outfit i was scared to wear, standing around for what felt like hours, only to finally get my viet coffee and take a sip and understanding how it was all worth it.
i also went to my first library, the new one in hayward. it stunned me; it was the prettiest library i’ve ever seen at that time, and i asked myself “are there more places like this?” after sitting down and taking it all in, i looked around and noticed that everyone was studying or reading. i was there, but nobody gave a single fuck about me, strange.
later on, i started to limit test. i started to post on twitter; i joined some public discord servers and started to speak into the void. i went into the deep and decided to go to my first convention ever, nvidia gtc!
i asked in a discord if anyone was going as well and someone pinged me about it, what!?! at this point, do i just delete my message and pretend i didn’t say anything or do i delete my discord account and make them think they were schizophrenic for my anxiety’s sake? well, they weren’t able to go anyways, but i guess i made a new friend; perhaps they were the first oomfie to ever exist.
this oomfie helped me go to my first hackathon where i met more oomfies, and helped me go to my 2nd ever convention/conference to meet more oomfies, yada yada yada. fast forward now, i’ve met multiple random people (now oomfies) by myself from twitter! i hyperscaled just by existing and meeting one person, but it didn’t happen overnight. the hills got smaller and smaller every interaction and a sliver of light finally hit my face.
after all that, i guess im okay. i can talk to cashiers regularly now, sometimes. couple months ago ordering in-n-out, my anxiety peaked mid-order while they were asking me what drink i’d like. i sat in my car for 1-2 minutes literally frozen but finally said “pink lemonade,” the worker’s face was literally dumbfounded lmfao w/e.
you can’t get rid of social anxiety, but you can definitely get used to it. what works for me is just noticing it, letting it happen, and being kind to yourself afterwards. i can finally express myself freely online and in-person, although i still struggle in unfamiliar group settings like parties and even discord vcs, but im surprisingly comfortable with 1v1s. most importantly, i can now say “hello” to random people walking past, look them in the eye, and smile.
it’s been a good journey so far, i’ve been feeling human, the sun seems unusually bright. i’m super excited to see where i am in 5 years. i started this journey seriously at the start of the new year and i’ve come a long way. i guess my next task is to do something about being socially inept, but i’m not sure if that’s something that can be helped or not lol.
if you’re reading up to this point and feel like social anxiety has had a toll on your life, remember anything is possible. it’s okay to be scared; that fear can be a sign that you’re ready to grow. all it takes is consistency, patience, and tiny steps. you don’t have to face this alone - reach out, connect, and take that first small step towards the person you want to be. and hey, if you need someone to talk to who’s been there, my DMs are open. we’re all in this together oomfies. glhf on your journey!