May 10, 2024
irli love documenting my life. i like to describe myself as a former shut-in that’s taking their first steps into the real world. i’ve had remote college for 3 years, my internships were only remote, and my side gigs were remote too. i basically been living online through my college years (which is a blog for another time, fuck covid). i haven’t dealt with real life personal problems until now, insecurities being one of them. in this blog, i’ll be going over my insecurities, my experiences, and the pathing to freedom.
ive always had physical insecurities when i was younger, my hair, the way i dress, and silly enough, my build and of how skinny i am. i never really understood how i got over them. over time, they just went away with no signs.
fast forward to recently, i discovered my newest insecurity, skill issues! if you’re not online enough, it basically means that you’re lacking of knowledge of a certain skill set to accomplish a task, whether it be writing coding, or gaming.
it all started when i was getting into ML for the first time ever. for my first project, i made a notebook to predict outcomes of tournament league of legends games and shared it to a community of industry data scientists. long story short, i got shit on hard respectfully. i was really proud of what ive done and applied what i learned, but i knew it wasn’t good enough to their standards. they obviously helped me out, but damn did the criticism hurt!
i thought fixing my skill issue insecurity was going to be so easy, just go to hackathons and learn! it is a good fix for fixing skill issues itself but it’s not a good way to fix the insecurity. skill issues can be fixed by physically doing, but the insecurity itself is tucked into the self, the ego.
from where i am in life, this was my insecurity pov. i’m a recent 4-year graduate who just accomplished their goal of “just getting a 9-5 tech job” in a room with people from a variety of backgrounds that went to better schools, that are smarter, faster, and have higher goals in life through research and startups. i was comparing myself with them, my age, skill level, intellect, and accomplishments. these actions have lead to anxiety and self deprecation internally which im not proud of.
ultimately, insecurity comes from comparison, the comparison from where you’re at and where other people are at. during these hackathons, comparisons were going rampant and weighed on me mentally more than it should’ve. there was nothing wrong with these hackathons, it was literally just me. other than comparison, the thought of what others think of you takes a hold of you, whether it be criticism or your overthinking brain!
this is more of a note to myself than anything.
fixing the insecurity is quite simple, just stop comparing and don’t hold onto criticism! it might be basic advice, but sometimes i forget (im a very forgetful person), and this is definitely one of those times. writing it out to existence to the web makes me remember better than to have it floating in my brain.
accept who you are and where you’re at, be proud! i might’ve forgotten, but now i remembered why i’m no longer insecure of my hair, build, and outfits. i own my appearance and i love the way i look and dress. i’ve curated my look to express myself which is complementary with my build! about my hair, i honestly don’t care about it as much lol. do the same with where you’re at in tech, you landed a job out of college, most people would die to be in your position especially in this current industry. own where you are now, it’s not where you want to be anymore, but to move forward you need to accept the starting point. it only goes up from here.
stop comparing yourself with others negatively, and treat everyone’s life like a baldurs gate 3 playthrough lol. bg3 is a fun single player rpg, there are billions of way to play whether it be the build you go, the decisions you make, and the things you discover and learn along the way. when you see someone’s playthrough with an OP build, they’ll have items you’ve never seen before on a path you’ve never walked on. in a gaming perspective, you’re always interested on how their items and skills work together, where to get them, and how to use them to their fullest potential. use comparison as inspiration rather than a demotivator, transfer and translate this mindset to the real world and you’ll flip over this insecurity perma!
don’t let criticism get the best of you, especially other people’s criticism. you already criticize yourself so much, why would you want to hold to other people’s? it is honestly so silly. even if people criticize you, they are so valid. they’re in a higher position of where you want to be and you know where you stand in their range, just accept it and keep moving. the more you let go of theirs, the more you can focus on your own criticisms (skill issues) and move forward with ease.
it honestly feel so silly discovering this now, but at least now i know. this is the pathing to freedom and a path i want to take from now on when it comes to insecurities, “accept, dont compare, dont care.” as of now compared to last blog, i’m still walking straight onto nothing in the sky, but i feel like this realization will take me higher.
p.s. it’s charming how these types of blogs always happen when im out of it (i have a fever rn).