Jan 9, 2025
irlCollections of writings (2)
Thursday was a great day. I visited New York City on a frigid night and ate at this amazing Korean restaurant. They served a foot-long rolled egg omelet that melted in your mouth like ice cream. As the evening wore on, the touristy charm began to fade away. I suddenly felt a tightness around my neck like I was being dragged along getting yanked from store to store. We waddled in defrosting inside the Harry Potter store on Broadway. The store shelves of merchandise that had seemed so magical from afar turned dull and unappealing up close, did I run out of wonder? The meek music blared, drowning out the loud chatter of shoppers. My interest in well crafted fantasy worlds began to vanish. The leash tightened; I tried to resist, to pull away, but the tension only grew stronger.
We ended up at a CVS Pharmacy on the way to Penn Station. “Stay outside,” someone barked from behind I thought. Obediently, I stood shivering in the icy wind for ten minutes, feeling as if the leash were tethered to a nearby pole. Staring at the grey, concrete sky, I felt my phone buzz in my bag. “Where are you?” a voice demanded. “I’m outside,” I mumbled. Five minutes crawled by. They emerged from the CVS, bewildered. “Why did you stay outside?”
I met their concerned eyes, confused myself. My world seemed to freeze. Anger welled up inside me as I realized I didn’t actually know why I had obeyed. Shame washed over me for not questioning the command. Out of embarrassment to change the subject, I blurted out, “Let’s go home!” But deep down, I knew something was wrong, what was it?
Dozing off in the musty train going southbound, I was jolted awake by a sudden realization; I didn’t get to do anything I initially wanted. Today wasn’t my day; it was someone else’s. My mind was steering away from my body, as I felt drained while observing someone indulging in their interests that weren’t mine. I questioned myself, “Is this selfish ignorance? Do I make other people feel like this? Am I an asshole for feeling this way?” I searched desperately to avoid sinking in self doubt by jumping into existentialism rabbit holes on Wikipedia. The more I entertained these questions, the more I dug deeper.
We got off at the wrong stop, shivering uncontrollably for twenty long minutes. My mind was numb, frozen, fixated on the strange feeling from earlier. The next train came along, we made a dash for it. The moment we retreated inside, a wave of crisp air washed over me, melting my ego away revealing the truth. The selfish pettiness that arose within me from pleasing another and not myself turned me into a dog. The collar that was clipped around my neck was my own doing, not someone else’s. The hand keeping the tension tight on the leash was mine. Everything that I felt and had done was done by myself in bad faith, I could’ve just not felt that way by indulging with them.
I’m back at home now, I let this feeling bake and set in my head. There’s really nothing else to be explored; the answer is right there. I detached the collar and put away the leash and asked myself, “What’s so good about Harry Potter?” I’m reading to find out, I love it already.
I really hate it when people leave; I don’t hate the action but I hate the aftertaste that comes with it.
When you left, I felt unsafe. The moment you stepped out, the house felt darker and the atmosphere became heavy enough to crush me; sadness took up the room and the warmth that was once present was now gone. I walked around the house, turning on every light. When I got ready for bed, I locked the door. Before trying to sleep, I turned on some music and tuned into a Marvel Rivals Twitch streams to fill the void of your usual brain rotting TikTok videos. It was a long night.
When I left, I felt so much regret; I hadn’t been my best self. To Pink, I wish I talked to you more and wish you’d stayed longer. I didn’t feel good on the walk back, I’m pretty sure it was the chicken sandwich we had ordered; mine, unluckily, mine gave me food poisoning. To Blue, I also wish I talked to you more, about other things than career. To Yellow, I wish I shared more experiences with you, you’re neat!
Every time I leave, I’m always found with a reason to come back but I don’t think it’s a good thing.
Every time I leave, I always wonder “if I stay for longer, would I be satisfied?”
I’m not sure, because every time I leave no matter how long the stay, I’m never satisfied.
Eh, leaving just sucks.